Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rant and Rave

My temper is one thing that my DH does not enjoy about me.  He thinks it's funny that the smallest things can get me worked up, but he is also quick to point out that I have a bad habit of being vindictive in my thoughts and sometimes my words.  This is something that I am working on, and quite honestly, I have made a vast improvement.  Until today.

For the past three years I have been working relentlessly on my Master's Degree.  Our program requires 30 hours of classes, then I added a Teaching Certificate, which requires another 6 hours.  I am well above my 36 hours needed, and in the home stretch.  In May 2009, I began work on my thesis, examining the impact of negative political campaigns and advertisements on young, first-time voters.  After a ton of struggles along the way (another post, another time), I am in the final weeks of the whole nightmare process.

Or, so I thought.  One of the perks of grad school, and particularly, the thesis capstone process, is having to defend your work to a panel of professors and peers.  We are closing in on the end of the semester and I have yet to set a defense date.  Well, to clarify, I have had three defense dates set and then, canceled for one reason or another.  I'm to the point where I actually don't care if I graduate or not (okay, I really do care), whether my defense goes well or not (again, I do care), and whether I get honors or not (I would love to, but honestly, I really don't care about that any longer).  I just want the whole thing done. 

I am having nightmares - professors chasing me with pitchforks because my work is not 100% final - peers throwing my paper in a fire - and the best one, showing up to my defense and learning that my committee decided I'm not worthy of a degree and automatically failing me.  These are not pleasant dreams, and nightmares can't even begin to describe them.   I mean, you are supposed to wake up from a nightmare, realize it was a dream and move on, right?  Not suffer from panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and be on the verge of tears 24/7! 

So, if you are reading this, please send some prayers my way.  Send some support.  And please, help me realize that this is just another hurdle.  Because right now, quitting seems like a real choice.  Just sayin'.

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